By James Finn Garner, Copyright 2007

In a courtroom sealed to outside observers, a thin man with a beard is led to a seat at a table in front of a judge. A blindfold is pulled down from his eyes. The only other people in the room are Mr. Mara, a lawyer for the government, plus two guards and a stenographer.
.

The judge begins the proceedings. “Mr. Mara, will you please state the purpose of this hearing?”
.

“Your honor,” begins Mr. Mara, “the government asserts that this man is a danger to the citizens of the United States, that he is part of a worldwide conspiracy to undermine U.S. security, and that he has repeatedly violated U.S. airspace, specifically the prohibitions of flying in the prohibited airspace above the Capitol Mall.”
.
“Why the secret hearing?”
.
“Holding an open meeting,” the federal attorney explains, “would lead to the unveiling of classified information and endangerment of U.S. interests and intelligence assets.”
.
The judge turns to the accused. “For the purposes of this hearing, will you state your name?”
The old man says, “Kris Kringle.”
.
“And your citizenship?”
.
The old man chuckled. “Oh, I don’t believe in such things,” he says with a twinkle in his eye.
Mr. Mara says, “You have renounced your citizenship to pursue your plans for global domination. Do you believe in fomenting widespread global panic for your own ends of violent change?”
.
The old man pauses a second and says, “Err, I have a global perspective, there’s no doubt. And if by ‘change’, you mean a disruption to humanity’s business-as-usual for something better, then yes, I do. In my opinion, everyone spends so much time thinking about themselves that the children get ignored. The things that grown-ups think are so important are…”
.
Mr. Mara continues, “And for those who seem worthy in your eyes, you’ve appointed yourself judge, jury and executioner?”
.
“Oh heaven’s no!” says the old man. “How dare you say that?”
.
“Your honor, the government would like to submit as evidence this list, which is attributed to this individual. As you can see, the names on this list are clearly marked ‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’. Addresses are included, and there are even notes about the best ways to sneak into these sites. This is clearly a type of ‘hit list’ used by this man in his organization.”
.
“My list!” says Kringle. “How did you get my list?”
.
The judge, wishing to avoid a scene, asks the guards to please put the blindfold back in place on the old man. He then asks the attorney, “How did the government come into possession of this list?”
.
“We cannot reveal that, your honor, without endangering our intelligence assets in the field.”
.
“How long has the accused been in U.S. custody?”
.
“Four years, your honor.”
.
The old man says, to himself, “Four years? Has it really been that long? How has Christmas survived without me?”
.
Mr. Mara cannot resist getting his digs in. “Don’t you worry your beard about it. We’ve managed to get our shopping done in spite of people like you.”
.
“People like me? I’m the only Santa!”
.
To the judge, Mr. Mara explains, “Delusions of invincibility, of grandeur. He’s out to save the world from itself.”
.
The judge eyes the defendant. “He appears to have lost a little weight.”
.
Mr. Mara says, “The defendant has been treated well. He gets regular meals, and a half hour of sunlight and exercise every day, and his accommodations have been inspected by the Red Cross.”
.
“And their findings?”
.
“Can be interpreted in different ways, your honor.”
.
The judge sighs and asks, “And where is the evidence that this man is a threat to the United States and should remain incarcerated?”
.
“Evidence?”
.
“Yes, evidence.”
.
“Surely your honor is aware that with the designation of an enemy combatant, we don’t have to….”
.
“Humor me, please. I’m retiring next week.”
.
“Very well, your honor.” Mr. Mara motions the guards to bring forward the evidence: huge mailbags filled with hundreds of letters, all addressed to Santa Claus. The guards hoist the bags and spill the contents all over the judge’s desk. “Here are the raw data, your honor, which we believe illustrate how wide this so-called Santa network is. Because of the overwhelming volume of these communications, the government hasn’t analyzed all of it yet.”
.
The judge tiredly picks up one letter, opens it and reads the contents aloud. “’Dear Santa, How are you? I am fine. I want a baby brother for Christmas. Thanks. Love Ashley.’”
.
Mr. Mara says urgently, “I would caution your honor to refrain from reading the evidence in the presence of the witness. We haven’t yet cracked this code or determined the whereabouts of this operative codenamed Ashley.”
.
Behind his blindfold, the man with the white beard cries quietly, “Oh Ashley, Ashley…”
.
The judge says, “And has the government been able to procure any important intelligence from this man through ‘alternative interrogation methods’?”
.
“No, you honor,” says Mr. Mara, with a frustration he cannot hide. “In fact the experience has caused the government to lose 14 of our interrogators to temporary dementia and mental collapse. They have since been assigned to other duties.”
.
“How unfortunate,” grumbles the judge. “May we hear from the defense counsel at this time?”
.
This brings out fits of laughter in everyone except the judge and the old man. “Hahahaha, good one, judge,” Mr. Mara says.
.
The judge takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. “The law of the United States leaves me no choice but to remand Mr. Kringle back into the custody of the Army until such time as he coughs up what the Army wants to hear, or the president wishes to look tough before an election again. The prisoner may be removed. This hearing is adjourned. I need to wash my hands very badly.”
.
Federal Attorney Mara watches the skinny old man with the beard being taken away. He allows himself a prideful smile, knowing his work on behalf of the citizens of the United States is having an important effect on the security of the country. He also thinks back to a time some 30 years earlier, when he had wished for a 12-gauge shotgun for Christmas and received a box of football cards instead.